Not the resolutions portion, the celebration that mandates this be the best day of the previous year and set the standard of what is to come. It never does. Its always a mammoth let down.
I spent most of my morning answering enraged emails and trying to locate product curled up in the fetal position in front of my work computer. Around 8 o'clock I wiggled into a petite brown strapless dress that demanded attention for my legs and wandered to my friend's house party…and en route got a note from an ex wishing me a happy NYE, an instant downer and prelude of what was coming.
I walked into the party and was immediately confronted at the door with a voice that made me stiffen. The voice of someone I violently hate who a few months before I had been relentlessly pursued by until I wasn't, I swallowed down my rage plastered a smile onto my face and marched in… and he eyed my legs like a fox about to pounce. Luckily my friend Jon swooped in and provided a social barrier. About five minutes later another cast of thousands arrived and with it yet another of my Austin mistakes. I felt awful and exposed, I wanted to disappear.
In the elevator on the way to another party one of the former contenders for my affection was loudly parroting on about wanting to get 'nailed' that night, Jon noticed I was going white knuckled and quickly handed me a bag of M&M's. We crossed in front of my building and I resisted the urge to barrel home to Ari. Once we arrived at the bar we got into the line, and yet another guy I had gone on 3 or 4 dates with jumped in behind me. At this point I looked up at the stars and stated, "Are you fucking kidding me?" I decided then and there that God was clearly trying to tell me something so I turned and chatted to the guy behind me and caught up on his life's happenings.
Once in the bar I got a deathstare by some guy who had tried to pick me up at the bar the week before. I was not surprised and prepared myself to assume that there was a real possibility that everyone I had locked lips with in the 3 years I've lived here was going to make an appearance. I decided to be grateful I looked hot and that I was in the immediate vicinity of strong social lubricants.
I saw some girlfriends across the bar and made my way over. Once a beer went down I relaxed, and as the night wore on I talked to my assorted and failed dalliances. And they were boring, kind of dumb, a little lame, or just plain old scuzzy man whores. Out of no where I went from feeling awkward, to feeling grateful that these guys weren't a part of my life anymore. I stopped feeling unloveable and focused on my friends.
I danced and gabbed, and got a surprising kiss, with tongue, from one of my best girlfriends. How's that for unloveable? My savior of the night Jon kept me company with all manner of sarcastic commentary and at midnight spared me the awkwardness of staring at my glass by giving me a bear hug and a smooch. After midnight he and I went to a diner and grabbed a late night snack with some friends who had also had the same idea. We chuckled and laughed, and all around had a banner evening. I was glad my night had ended far from where it started with someone I consider a real friend-the extra company was gone literally and figuratively.
NYE is a time to spend reflecting on the year ahead and to spend some time with friends. For my NYE my reflection was brought to the front and center of my space. I faced my fear, and ended the night in a totally new place.
I felt beautiful and lovable and completely free, and thats a great way to begin a new year.