The Irony of Being Gray

Awhile back a friend tried to fix me up with a guy she knew at work and sent out an introduction email.  His description was the standard "no one on my team hates this guy, he is a fella of a certain age and single so you should totally hit it off".  My description on the other hand went on to describe me as "extremely passionate-about everything".  Ummm, is that flattering?

An ex, after our breakup, told me that my ambition, energy, and expectations were a lot to live up to.

My name is Jenna Gray and apparently I struggle with the concept of moderation.  

Moderation is that place between extremes where I'm told true progress is made.  Better to exercise a few days a week for a bit than to commit to two hours a day, better to run a 5K consistently then to break yourself training for a marathon, better to eat well most of the time than to become one of those parroting food crazies who is found huddled in a closet eating the entire Hostess genetically altered food lineup after a 6 month period off sugar.  To do into something full throttle causes burnout, but in my head I can't help but think, "no pain no gain."

For whatever reason I associate moderation with mediocrity, the 'acceptable' with average, just passing as the enemy of perfection.  I am a Type-A, over achieving, accomplishment loving, perfectionist lunatic-and while at times its something I love about myself, its something that can be super detrimental as well.  I've been known to abandon activities I love because my skill wasn't where I wanted it to be.  I've been known to work for 80 hours on something I loathe-accept my accolades and then cry hysterically on the way home because I forgot to eat for 3 days in pursuit of finishing.  I broke my hip running a marathon.  I mortgage out my well-being in pursuit of accomplishment, and it has to stop.

The irony of it all is that my last name is gray.  The veritable neutral color.  The one right in the middle of two extremes, I should be the very definition of living in moderation.  

Over the past few years I've thought a lot about the type of person I am.  The person I want to be.  The life I'm living, and the one I endeavor to live.  I used to envision some classical glossy magazine idea of life perfected.  But now my vision is a little sloppier-a little bit more chaotic, a little more me.  

There isn't a doubt in my mind that I can get to that original ideal, and when I get there feel trapped by someone else's vision of what perfect looks like.  That second vision is my dream now, and improving myself is key to get there, because I value growth, but if I want to do it happily-getting comfortable with moderate improvement and a steady growth is key.

This is my quest for growth.  This is my journey of moderation.  This is about learning how to be comfortable with my best-and not someone else's idea of it.  This is about living gracefully and moderately to a life that is perfectly me.